This time I will put your name, Bernie.

Sorry your nice little gesture seem like it was not even worthy of a reply. It did not make me happy. Not even a teeny bit. It was out of the blue, and ironic. A surprise, but not something I had hoped for. It just made me feel a little indifferent because if you are even thinking of salvaging something of worth to you( I don't even know that, maybe you were just trying to be nice because you are just so nice to everyone), it would have happened long ago, and it would have required much more effort. But somehow everything we had has made a 360 degree change in a matter of months and it almost seems impossibly irreversible. There are times I miss you, and Im sorry I did not even bother trying. You might think the same and feel that you do not matter because we don't seem to want you around anyway. Or that it does not change anything because of the fact that we are having fun without you. Yes, but someone, one person, has stayed throughout and did not succeed. And once it is futile, its human nature to just give up and leave it be you know? I was angry at one point, yet I probably saw it coming because you've done that way too many times, and we are just a phase to you, just like your other previous group of friends and you move on. That's what you do - you move on all the time from phases of friends to phases of friends and that's probably the one huge reason why I do not bother to want you or need you around.

And sometimes life is a matter of choice and change, if losing us is necessary for you to gain a sort of happiness that suffice your needs, that let's all pretend to be happy for you from afar, shall we?

The Irony We Live For

Work has taken a toll on me mentally because I find suddenly I don't have to use my brains anymore and I'm pretty sure my brain cells will die from inactivity. I seriously feel I'm here for cheap labour and it's killing me to feel so useless and unneeded. Sometimes I wonder what purpose there is in life. I wonder if our creator watches and observes what goes on amongst this really exquisite species, humans, like how animals are portrayed on animal planet, or discovery channel, whichever you prefer. I really do not get the purpose of being born, to go through education, to get a good job, where some people fail, some people succeed, through all the trials and tribulations and learning from past mistakes, or repeating history over and over, improving our lives, having generations and then it just comes to an end where we leave our habitat, or rather die, not knowing if it just ends or continues in another world, whether we suffer or enjoy again. Why is this cycle even necessary? People pay bills and taxes and get insurance to cover for themselves, or their loved ones so that monetary value attempt to suffice the needs of people whom tragedy shoots its arrow at. Funny how it seems that money lives on while people die. It makes people and it breaks people. Why does it happen so that some people are filthy rich with too much money to spend they buy things that they do not need, yet people are not even able to feed themselves in this same world? Life is so questionable in a way that puzzles yet it is compulsory because it is a sin to contemplate suicide and an offence to commit suicide. I mean if life is given to us and everyone dies eventually anyway, why is it we cannot choose what we can or want to do with it? Why do we all have regrets because we only have this one lifetime to make all our mistakes and correct them if we want to, or live with the consequences, whichever floats the boat, but it will still sink one day anyway unless the impossibility of immortality becomes untrue.

Good night, while the clock ticks life away. (:

Sadness speaks louder in words.

I want to keep the happy moments so I can have plenty of reasons to love. For every happy moment, there's an infinite amount of hope to hold on to because happiness finds its way around to you. It's lurking around dark corners, leaking out from pipes, it's morbid to see happiness in such a creepy light but it does pounce on you when you least expect it. I want to remember you appearing in my life. Even the horrible things you did. I want you to know how terrible I felt, and how happy you can make me.

Sorry for my miserable entries. I guess words are not really enough for my happy moments, and maybe I'm just a person of negative vocab.

Contemplating the Easy Way Out.

Break up, take the easy way out. Sometimes I wonder why anybody put it that way. Because it never seemed all that easy to me. Maybe suffering is easier than letting go. Suffering is painful but leaving kills. Suffering brings about random happy days. Leaving snatches the spirit and soul away.

Then, wouldn't it be wonderful to be numbed?

When I was young, I told myself that I will not ever tolerate nonsense from a boy.
Never say never, and they are right.
Toleration became my expertise.

I wish I could be that bratty girl whose boyfriend listens to her every whim and fancy,
that she wouldn't have to worry if anything will piss him off,
because she has the kind of boyfriend that will never shout or be angry at his girlfriend,
because he would do anything for her,
even if it was unreasonable.

I hate the bratty girl because she is so annoying but sometimes, just sometimes,
I feel she has it easy.
I feel that she is happy, and will stay happy.

Do you know that I am tired of shedding tears for you?
That Im tired of being this wimpy crying shit?
I feel so weak and so scared of things that don't make sense?
Like monsters in the closet.
Some days they scare you, some days they leave you alone.

I used to cry because I knew we could be so much better.
That things doesn't have to happen certain ways because we can be so happy together.
It is like you feel annoyed and angry when you know you could have prevented something bad from happening
and you get upset harping on it and not getting over it.

But now I'm not crying anymore because it is more of being in a situation where either way it would still be bad.
It is like telling myself. "Its ok, because nothing could be done anyways".

Im clueless on how we are going to get through this and I hate to say that you're not making things easy for me.
I know it is not your job to make things alright, but you are the only person who can.

I wish a prayer would work things out but I get the feeling God doesn't like us to be together anyway.